Sometimes I find myself getting nervous about the art that I have been making since I started this course. I am always critiquing what I am making and getting nervous that I'm accidentally revealing some deep dark part of my ego. I was especially self-conscious during the trauma/vicarious trauma lecture. I don't think I have experienced vicarious trauma but I was worried that what I made might tell a different story. I did find the act of creating to be so comforting and soothing during a difficult subject. I have no desire to revisit what I drew/painted during the class because I know that my critical mind will start searching for symbols and signs a la Furth. Has anyone else experienced this heightened self-awareness?
I can totally relate to you. I try really hard not to look at other people's work because I become increasingly self conscious of my work. I cannot get over the fact that I am not such a good artist but more so of what my work may reveal.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel that I have vicarious trauma right now or any trauma per se in my life, but I do always worry if my work will reveal something that I am completely unaware of. I think that for me is the thought of becoming vulnerable in front of others. It made me think a lot about how our clients may also feel when we go to those dark places, be it through art of words. There is something incredibly scary about opening something up and not knowing how to close it back up. I am torn between thinking that I am very self-aware and sometimes feeling that I am totally clueless.
Another viewpoint. I would love to find some explanation for all the anxiety I feel. I have a fantasy of someone really "getting" me and art seems a good way. If someone said, "Oh, well I see this in your painting/dream/movements, and this explains why (fill in the blank)" I feel I would welcome whatever trauma it might reveal. I have noticed (well, Drena pointed it out) that I pathologized myself a lot in this class and for me, the worst thing would be if someone looked at my art and said, oh, there's nothing there. I want people to join me in pathologizing myself! There's a New Year's Resolution I can make -- no more pathologizing!
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