Though the Ink Blot Assignment happened a few weeks ago I had such a reaction to it that I figured it would be a good topic to post about here.
First, I should confess that I was definitely one of those people who was trying to pre-plan what I would turn my ink blot into before I even had ink down on my paper. I was so terrified by what the ink would give me I didn't trust myself as a creative enough human being to look down at smudges and see something. As someone who tends to try and control things by way of organizing and planning ahead, I hated when Professor Fagen told us not to pre-plan what we would turn our ink blots into and that she would know if we had. I took a deep breath and let go of the ideas that had been racing through my head and silently told myself that whatever it was, I would figure it out when it came.
We've talked in class about how, through activities, a clinician can get so much information about how the client approaches tasks across their lives. This activity was proof of that for me. My instinct to pre-plan and try to control something innately spontaneous and unscripted is, unfortunately, something that carries over to all aspects of my life. Furthermore, that instinct stems from my own issues of esteem. Just as I didn't trust myself to be creative enough I often don't trust that I am smart enough or capable enough to handle things as they come.
When the time came I released a few drops of ink onto my paper and folded the page. When I first looked down I very clearly saw a bug. However, I wouldn't allow myself to go down that path. While on one hand I think it's good that I kept searching to see something else beyond my first gut reaction, part of me regrets not just jumping right in and trusting my instinct-- and I keep wondering whether the fact that I didn't "settle" for the thing I saw first is a good thing or a bad thing?
If I'm honest with myself I know that I didn't move forward with the insect because I was judging my level of creativity based on what I was seeing and didn't feel like seeing a bug was good enough. I was so aware of my process and so judgmental of it. As I type this I feel like it sounds kind of silly--but it's true. I was judging myself for what I saw, upset with myself for not seeing something more interesting and so forced myself to keep searching for something else. While in the end I did see something else in the ink blot I keep wondering if that sort of pushing myself was a good or bad thing, or maybe a little bit of both? Just thought I'd share my experience in the event anyone can relate.
Lina, I can relate to a lot of your feelings with this activity. Except that I have never considered myself to be a person that needs to control everything…or I wasn’t aware until we did this activity. Like you, as soon as we got the directive I was trying to pre-plan what would come out of that ink blot, I was convinced that I would be able to turn the blot into anything I wanted. I wasn’t sure what I wanted but I tried placing the ink somewhat in a symmetrical pattern as if it would magically create what I was looking for. Needless to say it didn’t happen and the thoughts starting racing through my head too, but like you I took a deep breath and told myself that I would figure it out.
ReplyDeleteI looked at the paper and all I could see was a crab! I turned it and turned it and nothing, I just saw a crab. I began to think of how lame it would be to draw a crab, so childish and what would others think about it? Was there a symbolism to it? Certainly all I could think of, were negative associations and mind you, I love to eat crab! So I made the conscious effort to search for something else, until I found two kissing monkeys and went with that. Certainly kissing monkeys are more warm and humane and romantic than a cold crab, so that’s what I drew. It felt like a safer choice even though I feel they were as childish as the possible crab, but in any case I thought if we shared it would not raise any weird flags.
In the end, I also reflected on the class discussion on how these activities can reveal information about a person and insight into how they deal with life. As such, I realized that I am a bit of a control freak but had never even noticed it. Now that I look back I can identify the many instances were my need to control was present and were sometimes frustrations set in because things were out of my control. Today I am aware of this and will try to relent a bit of control as an exercise to be ok with chaos and things outside of my control.